I have not been a saint, and am guilty of dumping people in what would be considered “the least-flattering approach to dumping”. But this time, I wanted to do this right and with the inspiration of TV, I could only think of one break up which haunted me. I did not want to be this bad.
I did not want to become “Carrie’s Berger”, which is by far the worst break-up method ever.
So I thought to myself, I need to get my friends to help me figure out the best way to dump this person. First of all, we have never had the “I love You” type moment nor did we “say”, or “write”, “look at each other” like people who are in love. At least I didn’t. We once had a conversation about “does this [our arrangement] have a future?”, that was a bit awkward because I responded “why would it have a future, its not like we are in love or anything”, which I realized later that it was not the best response. But what was I supposed to do, lie?
Before you go off, calm down. We had an arrangement. I hate to call it a relationship because that would imply something we did not have. It worked for our lifestyles and careers, we both “I think” got what we needed, and beyond that, it got intimate within the bounds of our comfort and level of respect for one another other. It was NOT lascivious.
I was determined not to become Carrie’s Berger when dumping this person. If you don’t know who Berger is, this will remind you: “Jack Berger broke up with Carrie on Sex and the City. He left her a note that said "I’m sorry, I can't. Don't hate me", on a Post-It." Ouch!
I had an opportunity at one of our get together with my very close friends, were we meet to catch up on our lives. I said, “Guys I have a problem. I need to dump someone and I don’t want to be an ass, so do you have some advice on how I could do this with the least damage to this persons' ego, confidence and anything else”
First, they all burst out laughing. I mean that sick type of laughter. The crazy kind, that goes on-and-on-and-on…….where you regret even bringing the whole thing up. Then followed closely by insults only your close friends can dish. Mind you this was their chance to have a go at me, after my fair share of insults.
After their relentless torture, I gave them all the information and they all agreed with one comment from Friend #1 “there is no way you can dump someone in that way, unless you get killed and they mourn you like the perfect saint you want to be” followed by another dose of laughter from the chorus of sarcastic assholes.
At this point, I was getting tired of being a butt of every joke, especially when they turned every sentence of our conversations, into a line I would use to dump this person. I was sick of it and I said. “I am going home” and one bright bulb (Friend#2) said “Are you just going to leave me like this. Did I mean anything at all to you?. I love you, please don’t go” Funny Ha Ha! Asshole! I was pist. I never had this much thought to dumping someone, so I was regretting saying a word to these a-holes. I started feeling sorry for this person and I began to feel screwed up.
On my way home, my berry started vibing, Friend #3, sent me a text which read: “I’ll send you something that helped me, a while back. It may help you. Are you sure you want to do this man? You never gave this sort of thought to the others? Maybe this person is special? Cheers”.
I wanted to respond with something with an F word, but his words responded to my confused state of affairs. I thought to myself, what are they up to?, if there is anything I know about this group of mischief’s, is that they enjoy pulling pranks. We live such demanding lives, that we meet a few times and in between, we play pranks on each other. Its sick but lots of fun!. This could have inspired an attack.
The next day, after giving the subject of this blog too many excuses for diner, breakfast, “coming over”, etc – you get the picture, my berry rings….LING LING, yikes.......
Sissy: Oh dang, that's messed up.
“Dude, you need to have a drink. You cannot do this somber. You are freaking out already. It may help. We talked about this and we thought this may help you.”
This is trouble, first you get me drunk then a StarSpread of a naked TVO on HUSTLER with “you know who” or worse. I don’t think so evil one. But I excused myself from normal work stuff, and indulged this drivel.
“Think about why you are breaking up with this person.”
I was thinking, here we go, Oprah’s 101 Guide to Screwing with My Head!
“If you are simply upset with this person, you should consider talking about what upset you and focus on resolving it, rather than ending the relationship.”
Okay, is it me or does this sound very weird! Go on Maya…..I'm listening.
“But if this same issue has already been discussed, yet nothing changes and you keep feeling unsatisfied, hurt, or betrayed, than breaking up might be the only way to end the pattern.”
Huh! I have to admit that sounded good. Only if I was hurt or betrayed, it would be so easy.
“Plan out how long you are willing to spend breaking up. The actual conversation in which you break up with this person can last a lot longer than it should, especially if that person is devastated or completely surprised by your decision. It'll be much easier for you to stick to your guns if the conversation doesn't drag out.”
I guess am getting the information from professionals or professional psycho’s, looking for the best way to screw with my head. Already am freaking out, because I don’t want this person to feel as if it’s their fault. I am just done with this and I want a clean break and a new start. I also do not want to explain myself more than necessary.
I thought that part was kinder cruel. If you are going to plan a break up, you should only use a fake appointment if things go bad, not before hand. But I gave their prank, oh sorry, advice a chance. If they are being sincere, it would be a waste for me to pass on good advice, considering how important it is for me to do this right.
“It is easier to break up with someone if you don't have to look the person in the eye, but it can also be interpreted as cruel and cowardly”
I’ve done it a few times only because it’s just easy and less complicated, and I don’t have to deal with all sorts of crap. But this time I did not want to be an ass. I wanted to be more kind, since I cared for this person.
“Break the news at their home and in private. They'll want to feel safe enough to respond emotionally--no one wants to be broken up with in public or near family and friends, and risk bursting into tears, or be forced to bottle up all those emotions. While you can break up with them at your place, making someone go home after getting news like that will be difficult, and could make them more bitter. If you are at their home, you can leave after you feel you've made your decision clear.”
Oooh this is very tricky. This was beginning to sound good enough to make me consider ignoring this email all together. I felt like I was reading a step by step guide to manipulate another person. I would actually prefer a restaurant with this person or a coffee shop. Lets just say, I would achieve the state of less drama in public due to their personality. But, I will think about it.
“You don't want to blurt out "We need to break up" out of the blue, or worse, when you're in an argument. You need to approach the whole thing calmly and peacefully, with a sense of resolution.”
It sounds like games to me, and I don’t do games. I believe in speaking my mind. Something like “Listen, this is not working for me. I want to brake up with you and there is nothing that I think we can do, to make this work. I am just done”. It sounds bad, but it gets the point across. With the coffee shop, I could look them in the eye and say it, instead of a post-it or a letter sent by an employee. We can both leave the coffee shop without feeling like your personal space has been desecrated.
“Expect any or all of the following reactions”, the email reads.
“They’ll want to know why, and whether there was anything they could have done to prevent the breakup. Answer the questions as honestly as possible.”
I am confident that although this person may be caught off guard, there might be some questions. I don’t think I can deal with “was it me?”, “is there someone else?”, “was I not good enough?”, “how could you do this to me?”, “how long have you been feeling this way?”, blah blah...blah…blah...hang me now please!
These questions, should be answered if you feel the relationship was very important to you and your level of caring is special. I don’t think am there. I did not make any promise of “love”, “commitment” etc. It was just an arrangement which worked for us and we talked about it a lot to avoid misunderstandings. Yet we cared for each other, I think.
I think that the female persuasion of my readership may be fuming at this juncture. Don’t!
“There might be some tears. You can provide comfort, but don't allow yourself to be manipulated into changing your decision.”
I could not help but think about what could possibly happen during this event to make me change my mind and I drew a BIG BLANK. I asked myself, why am I indulging these pigs, who may be setting me up for some crazy stuff. Also why would I comfort her, since it will imply that there is a chance, which there isn’t.
“They may try to dispute anything you've said during the breakup, including examples you used in your reasons for breaking up. Don't get dragged into a fight, and don't split hairs. Let them know that arguing isn't going to change your decision.”
So I need to be firm about my decision and expect to be played a bit, in an attempt to change my mind? Wonderful!
“They may offer to change, or to do things differently in order to preserve the relationship. If the person didn't change when you discussed your problems in the past, it is too late to expect them to truly change now.”
This does not apply since there is no problem, technically. I am just moving on and am not dating someone else. I want to meet someone I could love, if at all possible. This person is not the one.
“Whether it's as simple as saying "You'll never find anyone as good as me" or as scary as saying "I'll make you regret this", they are usually just trying to feel better. Threats of physical harm, however, are serious and should not be ignored. If you feel that your safety is at risk, stay calm and leave quickly.”
I understand why someone would be angry but this person does not have the right to go that far, then again, they are an individual whose thoughts and actions are totally their own, leaving a door slightly ajar at the possibility of something like this happening. I will get protection, if not for her then against my freaking friends.
“It'll be difficult, but don't call them, don't go places where you know they frequent, and make yourself scarce. Your ex may try to get in touch, don’t if you want them out of your life."
Hope this helps you. Let us know what happens and we promise we wont laugh.
Yeah Right! This is a chapter that is over for me and I do agree that the time we spent together may constitute some commitment but it was clearly dealt with to avoid misunderstandings. However, I would like to respect this person and their feelings, in order to do this right with little to no damage in any way.
So, just to make sure that I do the right thing, “Do you think am being setup by the evil friends?” and whilst at it, “Do you have any advice for breaking up with someone you care for?”
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